Being a parent is a great joy, or so they say. The problem is, all that joy is interrupted sporadically with vomiting, screaming, wanton destruction and everything else that comes with having children. So, to try and alleviate the madness, here are some parenting jokes. At the very least you can get a few laughs until the day of freedom beckons, when the kids finally turn 18 and you can send them back from whence they came.
By which we mean back into the world. Because the thing you were thinking was just disturbed and you should be ashamed of yourself. Seriously. And they let you have kids with a mind like that?
I am not a father, but I understand jokes, and that alone qualifies me to comment on these jokes about parenting. And I’m not just saying that because they paid me to write this.
I’m really not. Nor am I just randomly prolonging this sentence because they are paying me by the character.
That would be very low and devious…..
Anyway, I digress, here’s some funny stuff.
They also need to experience the awkwardness of ringing your friend, asking to speak to them and then getting caught up in a conversation with a quizzical mother who has had a few drinks and now sounds like she wants to be your friend.
Now this I can relate to. If there’s anything I know it is how to hate people. In fact, most names in the English language have been mentally crossed out because I associate them with horrible people.
Amy, Richard, Dean, Scott…
I mean, Scott? Come on. Who, hand on heart, can tell me has ever met a person called Scott that is not an absolute, complete bollock-head? And if you’re currently thinking, “I know a Scott and he’s nice”, give it time.
She could just be an aspiring author. I am, and my search history reads like a serial killer’s guidebook.
And counting. There is a lot of counting on the parents’ behalf, most of which is them counting down to when the child is 18 and then hoping with all hope that they don’t have one of hose kids that moves into their parent’s basement and stays until he’s 35.
And I say “he” because it’s nearly always a he. And he’s usually called Scott.
Red Skittles are the best. Anyone who says that they prefer green or yellow Skittles is either lying or needs help. Or their name is Scott, in which case it’s probably both.
And the other 10% is giving it to them to keep them quiet.
And ultimately, it’s a huge disappointment.
Actually, that’s not fair and it’s not true either. Tarantino films have some merit and there have been some great ones. I can’t say the same about kids, however.