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Retirement Jokes

These retirement jokes are all about old people and the crazy stuff they get up to when they are retired.

We asked our resident retired grumpy man to sit down and comment on these jokes. And if you like what you see then you should also checkout our Old Age and Pensioner Jokes.

Jokes About Retirement

I bet they called me old, didn’t they? I bet they said something like, “over to our old, retired writer,” didn’t they? Bloody editors.

Do you know the worst thing about being retired? It’s not the creaking joints, the noise I make when I stand up or the fact that I wake up fifteen times a night to pee (and sometimes I don’t wake up at all) but the fact that all the young ones lose respect for us.

They talk down to you like you’re a baby, even though we’re older, wiser and still capable of murdering them in brutal and unforgiving fashion.

Anyway, enough of that. Here are some retirement jokes that you can enjoy with me. It’s time for the old guys to shine now.


Funny Retirement Jokes

We don’t just drink tea and eat cake, you know. On Mondays we feed the ducks.


Funny Retirement Joke

Anyone who calls after 8pm deserves a slap around the head. It should be illegal. If they are younger than 30 then I usually get them back by phoning them at 4am the following morning and inviting them to breakfast. With any luck, they’ve only just fallen asleep.



Free Retirement Jokes

Actually, I retired because I wanted to spend more time tending to my garden and shouting at the neighborhood children. Oh, wait, it’s a joke isn’t it?

Forget what I just said.


Retirement Jokes Picture

Also, we are stingy enough to actually care about pennies. You young’uns will throw them away and let shopkeepers hold onto them. Every time I hear “Keep the change” I die a little inside.

If you keep your mouth shut then over the course of the year you will have saved yourself the effort of speaking several hundred words and you’ll also be a few dollars richer. Every little helps, so start being less generous with those pennies.


Best Retirement Jokes

I hate Monday as well, but only because I miss my tea and cake. Those ducks can be boring buggers.


Very Funny Retirement Joke

Not true, I still lie about my age. Young people are incapable of guessing anyone’s age if they are over 60, so I just tell them I’m 113. I like to add, “I used to be in the Guinness Book of World Records for being the oldest man, until someone overtook me” just to mess with them. The stupid idiots usually believe me.


Short Retirement Jokes


Long Retirement Jokes

I feel like there is a Trump joke here somewhere.


LOL Retirement Jokes

One of the few benefits of old age is that we can feign deafness at will. I walk around with a Bluetooth headphone in my ear. If someone is annoying me I pretend it is a hearing aid and it’s broken. I get to listen to my music instead of their banal chatter.


Hilarious Retirement Jokes

Speaking of which…I think I’m due a nap.