Let’s be honest, we’ve all heard a few Santa jokes in our time. Most of them are dirty and not worth repeating, from references to what he really did with mommy under the Christmas tree, to all those quips about him emptying his sack. Disturbing, I know, but also kinda funny, you have to admit.
These Santa jokes are a little tamer. Not because I wanted them to be child friendly, but because I didn’t want to ruin my own perception of Christmas and Jolly Saint Nick! The guy is a legend. I mean, Christmas can be a pain and there is also a lot of passive aggression and not-so-passive aggression. But that’s what alcohol is for. Even Santa needs it to get through the season.
If everyone is putting out a glass of wine or sherry for the guy then he must be knocking back his fair share over the night. It’s amazing he can even find the chimney, never mind fit down it.
I assume the role of Santa Claus in my house and I can say that this is definitely not true. In fact, every year Santa gets grumpier, drunker and angrier. Every year, in my house, Santa is clumsier than the year before and he goes on an under-the-breath mumbled rant that lasts a little bit longer and is a little bit louder.
The day my kids stop believing in Santa is the say they realize their daddy has more issues than they first thought. That’s why they will never know the truth. I just hope my youngest doesn’t learn the truth from his friends at school. You know how cruel college kids can be.
Ah, the obligatory “hoe” joke. Where would a Santa jokes page be without one? In fact, where would a Christmas be without them. We all have an uncle or grandfather who rifles through at last half a dozen on every day leading up to Christmas. Cracker jokes were made for guys like that, and they were probably made by them as well. It would certainly explain all of the terrible jokes.
I personally tell my children that Christmas doesn’t start until 12. It’s like April Fools day in reverse, I tell them. They’re 15, so they really should know better, but if you can’t lie to your kids in order to get a little rest, then what’s the point in having them in the first place?
Which begs the question, did Santa visit Adam and Eve, and if not, just how naughty were they? Maybe Santa really is Adam and that’s just the role that God gave him after he couldn’t find a place for him on earth or in heaven. Maybe, just maybe, I shouldn’t have given up on religious studies so soon.
You have always got to finish on a bad pun. It leaves the audience cringing in disgust and regretting everything that preceded it, but deep down, we all love them.
If it was too cringeworthy for you then give us a chance to redeem ourselves with some other pages. We make fun of all kinds of seasons here on The Best Jokes. Take a look at our Halloween Jokes, where there won’t be a pun in site. Maybe. Okay, so there will be puns, but we’ll make sure they are better.