We know that we’re going to anger some Scottish readers with these Scottish jokes, but it’s okay, we made sure that we had someone with roots in Scotland create this page. That someone would be me. And I’m not just basing my Scottishness on the fact that I like deep fried food and Buckfast. I am Scottish in name and location, so these jokes are also somewhat self-deprecating.
I know what you’re thinking, “There are Scottish Jokes, so there better bloody well be English jokes“. Well, we have those as well. In fact we have jokes relating to most countries and most types of people. That’s the beauty of comedy. If you mock everyone equally, then it’s perfectly acceptable. If you focus on a single type of person then you’re being xenophobic. Unless they are English, in which case it’s fine.
I’m joking. We love you guys. Just not when it comes to football matches.
Let’s be honest, we all have a friend like Callum. And he’s usually a “friend” simply because he lives near or it’s always been that way. Maybe there was a time when he was nice, we tell ourselves, even though we can’t really remember that time.
And I know what you’re thinking, Why Callum? It’s hardly a common name and it’s not a stereotypical name for Scottish jokes either (although we have used those below). Well, maybe this one is personal and maybe I just really hate Callum.
I personally have a close, sentimental attachment to all of my money. I don’t consider myself cheap, I consider myself to be a passionate collector of paper money.
It’s never too cold and it’s never too dark. Electricity costs money you know. Grab a blanket, light a candle and stop being such a jessie.
Now this one is harsh, but try telling me you can’t imagine your dad or uncle giving you the exact same reply when you ask them this question. It’s an opportunity that few Scotsmen would pass up.
It might have been the biggest Scottish joke in the past, but it’s becoming less and less of a farce. I’m just not sure whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing. Can you imagine what would happen if the football team was actually good? If we started winning World Cups and European tournaments, what would we spend our weekends complaining about then?
Also it’s much more satisfying to beat our rivals when we have a team that is considered to be poor. A win over England in those circumstances is one that we can rub in their faces for years to come. If we’re a top team and are doing it regularly, then it becomes the norm and they would then be the ones rubbing it in our faces if they managed to snatch a win.
Come on now, we’ve all been there. Never mind “Scottish Jokes” this could have just as easily been included on a page of “Common Scottish Concerns”.
All Scottish house parties should be sponsored by aluminum recycling companies, they make enough money off them.